Saying goodbye....

I've never had to do this before, not to anyone close when I was so aware of it. I lost my grandfathers when I was 3, my great grandparents when I was a teenager. Everyone else is still kicking, until now. It still seems so surreall (sp?) I just keep thinking he's going to be there, of course he's there, he's always there. But he's not. He's gone. He went home. I know that, I know he's with his dad, and grandparents and he's watching over us, but he's not here.

We got to say goodbye - It helps - even as it hurts, and was hard to see him that way. I was at home with my family. Jeff was giving the lesson for FHE - I don't remember now what it was about. My mom called - "come now, and call your brothers..." He wasn't going to make it. I was on my way. Jeff has been so understanding and supportive. I remember the drive too well, I was pleading and crying, but at the same time hearing whisperings of comfort and reason, and that it was time for him to go. I'm grateful for that.

We all made it to the hospital, even my brother in California caught a flight and we were able (two at a time ) to go in and see him and say goodbye. Mom's bishop was there. After we all said goodbye, my brothers gave him a blessing of release and peace. THe doctors said his heart was too damaged and wasn't getting blood to his organs. I just remember coming home and jeff holding me as I cried til I fell asleep.

Dad officially passed away Tuesday Morning. I had a Doctor's appointment for the baby and then I stopped at Jeff's work to bring him something. I locked my keys in the van. (I guess I was a little distracted.) Now, I see that this must have been one of those tender mercies - because I was still with Jeff at work when I got the call that he was gone. My brother came and opened my van (nice to have a locksmith for a brother.) :)

We have spent the last couple of days at my parents home, going through pictures, memories, planning the funeral, going through such miriads of emotions. From being angry to sad, to just knowing he was not hurting anymore. Those of us who could, went to the temple last night - took mom. It was really good. THrough it all, I've also had peace, even though I miss him. Friends and family have called and come, and it helps us get through this time of saying goodbye, or til we meet again...

We miss you daddy.